You Can't Look Hard And#

Whatup blog fam!
Whew have I been swamped, but I had to find time to talk about the masculine attempts some men put on, under b*tch*ssedness radar. Thats right. Today's blog is simply a fill in the blank topic. Feel free to join me cause this mess has to stop.

You can't look hard and#........


1. You can't look hard and have the same color eyes as Barbie Doll. Walking with a limp and hollering at girls at the club, does not take away from the fact that your eyes match your Air Ones. All you're missing now, is some eyeliner and a good lip gloss. How U doing?


2. You can't look hard while sitting in child support court, for a past due balance of 20,000, promoting your club event in the courtroom lobby at break time. You might not even have 30 days FREE, in order to make your own club event. Throw some D's on that child support tab. Nothinig manly here guys.


3. You can't look hard while blasting music and throwing 24s on the MALIBU your girl is currently financing. I knew it was a reason that I only saw you between the hours of 9-5 riding through the hood. She's at work! LOL Whats hard about you havinig to leave your boys when you get that phone call or text: BRING ME MY CAR.


4. You can't look hard while swiping your girl's food stamp card in the grocery store line. LOL How you got plenty money, but when it comes to buying groceries, you gotta go borrow her card? LOL Its OTAYYYY, just stop trying to look so d*mnn gangsta when you pay for you Juicy Juice without taxes lol.


5. You can't look hard, while browsing the aisles of the beauty supply store; asking which aisle is the bonding glue on. LOL You done got talked into going into the beauty supply store to get some track glue for your girl, because (1) you have her car, and (2) you aint got no d*mn job. So you pretty much run errands for her when you have her ish. C'mon son.


6. You cant look hard while walking down the aisle to put money in the offering pot. LOL Yes, it is manly that you pay your tithes, but it doesn't require a limp to a beat, and both your nostrils flared up like Ice Cube. WWJD? lol


7. You can't look hard while being escorted out the club, AFTER getting beat up in a fight and snuffed QUICKLY by two bouncers. There is no more "umph!" in you bruh' Your good sense is still liable to be laying on the floor with your doorag and torn our dreadlocks lol. Fix your face!


8. You can't look hard while standing in the FREE line at the club, when the skip line is only 10.00. How you in the free line, thumbing thru your ones, worried about how you gone buy a girl a drink and yourself one. LOL Its 1:45 am, the bar closes at two. Don't come to the club with less than 20 dollars and getting crunk when Gucci comes on. LOL


9. You cant look hard while riding a scooter. I don't care if a gang of Bloods pull up in an all black SUV, and grill you like Debo did Smokey. LOL You can't look hard. Your knees are touching the handle bars, and your helmet doesn even match your bike. LOL Cut it out!


10. You can't look hard and take an order in the McDonald's drive-thru. You can lick your lips baby boy, flash your Iphone, or whatever. You cannot BE GANGSTA. I wont work lol. Now make sure you put ketchup in my bag next time, instead of tryin to flex your chain from Fashion Ave.


11. You can't look hard while filling up your gas can at the convenient store. LOL Nobody told you to buy an SUV in the middle of a recession, yet you carry around a gas can as your insurance. At the counter talmbout let me get 2.00 on pump 3 "Oh, and do you have a paper towel?" LOL Quit playin.



12. You can't look hard while walking into the STD Clinic. Maybe you walk with a twitch for some other reason. Hmmmph. Either or you are going into a place where your most prized "possessions" are going to be swabbed and fiddled with. What's gangsta about that?


13. You can't look hard while having internet beef on a library computer. First off, your window in the corner says you have 5 more minutes of online time. You cant type but so many "Blood B's" in that many minutes. Give it up! LOL Ole artificial gang members.

14. You can't look hard coming out of jail with no shoe strings in you shoes. LOL I know you just got out. "Locked up....they won't let me out" still playin in your head. But those Air Ones you were trapping in, when you got locked up are THROWN. They's singing "lock me up" and the tongues are hanging out, all crazy. LOL Put your shoe strings in then resume to being gangsta. LOL


15. And last but not least, you can't look hard and ask for extra sensitive condoms at the convenient store counter. Ole extra sensitive wanker having mug lol. LOL You cant look hard and cop these. You just can't. Then on top of that you requested the pink color. Get real!!




Its been fun. Now back to WORK. LOL I love this!


XoXo Chakara

##YOUR KID SHOULD FIRE YOU IF.....

NOW

Poor babies LOL
Y'all seen them.
Every now and again, I'll run across a child who is clearly caught up in some mess that their PARENT tried to "make work" in their situation.
Lil dude didn't have his swim trunks, so there he is in the swimming pool with some cut off shorts; one side cut high the other side dangling down by his knees.

Parents should be fiRED.

Today I list multiple situations where I, Chakara, would give a kid permission to fire a parent. lol



1. If you cut your son's HEAD, and instead of tapering the fade, you ROUND that joint out. So, now he has a complete "bowl" on the top of his head. You should be fired. Who cares that clippers were on sale at Walmart? Don't do that to him. Nine times out of ten the "bowl" portion of the cut is too darn small. Now he walking around looking like he has a dartboard at the top of his head. FIRED.


2. If your daughter's hair is short, its okay. I promise you it is, but all those d*mn barrettes and rubberbands will not make an illusion of it being longer. Why is she walking around looking like a X-mas tree by the head? I can not STAND seeing a little girl with ponytails the length of a newborn babies pink toe, with barrettes bigger than the "pig" tail itself, dangling from it. If she fell she could seriously jab her scalp with something. FIRED.


3. Now, everyone knows that as SOON as Jordans or some type of exclusive athletic shoe comes into play, you'll find that Walmart, Target, and other places will try to duplicate the shoe, in their own fashion. Why is it that your son has every pair of "duplicate" Jordans I-X?? LMBO. But you couldn't be simple and buy him a cheaper more NICELY PUT TOGETHER shoe. Nah, you think you gone pysch the whole school out, by putting him in the Michelle Jordan's from Walmart, and no one is going to say anything to dude? Yeah yeah yeah, I know that namebrands do not make a person. I buy my daughter offbrand stuff all the time, but its nothing that trying to imitate another major priced namebrand item. Its just simple, original, no name things. Stop making that boy get roasted in gym class. Its not fair!!!! FIRED.


4. Now this post is not for kids who live in Alaska; Antartica either (if their are any). But, listen here, this is North Carolina. There is no need for your daughter to have on a turtle neck, underneath a wool sweater, a tshirt, tights underneath her courdoroys, two pairs of socks, and a coat. Face VASELINE-D *ding* down. LMBO. Dont forget the toboggin and gloves. Our winters are NOT that serious. Poor child is sweating!!!!! I can't stand to see such. SN: My mother used to handle me like this. Then on top of that, I had cornrows that connected at the ends, so I looked like a Vietnamese Eskimo. Wow. FIRED!


5. Your child isn't skinny, so unfortunately he can't follow the skinny jean trend. Stop purchasing SLIMS for your son, who was once Lil John and now he's Big Red. Its a health risk, when he's at school trying to make it to class, but his skinny jeans have LOCKED right around his thigh area, and he's waddling to his classroom. No really. Then the child's butt is hanging over the top of the jeans. Stop it. Don't make him look stank like that. FIRED.


6. Nowadays if a child places a whole in his jeans, eh, I don't think that a patch is a good idea. LOL Y'all remember when your mom would iron a patch in your jeans? Well I'll be God darnit, I saw a young dude with a patch OVER his jeans. Dats right. His mother didn't even have the decency to but the green jointsINSIDE of his light blue jeans. She smacked them right on top of them. Now he look like he's repping the Go Green campaign by the knees. C'mon SON! Where did you find them patches anyways!!???!!!!!! I thought I wrote the president about them. LOL



7. Now this is for my special bunch. Some folks may have never experienced this sight, but if you are from NC, or anywhere of heavy hispanic decent...looka here. Ballroom gowns and soccer shoes don't go together during ANY POINT IN YOUR LIFE. The sad part is the little latino girls I've seen this on, are absolutely BEAUTIFUL, but they look like they came to the party in preparation to "dougie on the floor". Then the Addidas or whatever the shoe may be, are like "red dirt" filthy. Its like...what gives????? The dress has a vail (lmbo), some lace, glitter and stars, but get down to her feet and she World Cup-in it. LMBO. Come on now. FIRED.


8. Lil Johnny wants cornrows so bad, but his lil hair wont get out of that MATTED (aka notty as heck) phase. So, what DID YOU DO? You go and purchase this lil dude a RELAXER. Y'all have seen lil boys, teens with a relaxed texture in their head. Now, they wonder why their cornrows won't stay. The only folks with permission to wear perms are Al Sharpton, Snoop Dog, and Katt Williams. Anyone outside of those three, should be listed under "what NOT to look like". Your hair is going to break. Listen here. Unless you plan on shampooing and conditioning once a week, and maintaining HIS relaxed hair, don't set him up to look like Rick James. If his hair will not grow, then I dont know.....Cut it off? He's a boy d*mmit!


9. WEAVE that you would buy for your head, exists in the head of your child. Nuff Said. FIRED.


I'm going to cap it off at 10....b/c someone might be in their feelings about some of these lol

But....last and definitely not least.

10. Pulling one's socks UP does not take away the fact that the jeans that should be bootcut, now look like capris. Children grow at ridiculous rates, but by all means please....please...save them from the "flood look". He might have some brand new Jordan's but he can't rock them with jeans that hang just below his calve muscle. Stare at the screen real close.
Now.
HE IS GOING TO GET ROASTED, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

His ankles will be exposed LOL.

Protect ya ankles!

---This was fun.

I love kids, but I also remembered the times when my mother did me and my brother DEAD wrong, just wishing someone would have brought these point to the light.

Feel free to add on!

XOXO Chakara

Unbe-WEAVE-able Offensive Fouls

Today's world is one where women of all kinds, have the accessibility to man different hair pieces; long and short, blonde and blue, curly or straight, and etc.

With opportunity comes idiots who take advantage or like my homie always says "jumps completely out of the window" with the current trend. Example: the hair style may call for curly hair, but one may add a few spiral curles, a pink hair track, and some flat twists up the back of their head. Now one may call it orginality, but I call it a technicality.

Where do they do that?

Today I list TERRIBLE offensive fouls by weave wearers. I ask that women RESPECT the weave. Treat it like your own. Tie it up, and do not attempt to run your behind out of YOUR living corridors, looking like birds camp out in your joint.

1. Quick Weave Madness: There is nowhere ON earth, where a woman's head naturally grows in a tiger stripped pattern. So, placing a weave in your head that describes such, shouldnt' get you anywhere but on a doctor's table for a rabie shot. Everytime I see this I ask; What animal (stuffed or alive) had to die to make that happen? One color is okay sweets. After all, you are a grown woman. Head lookin like a kalaidascope. Just because the doo was labeled "quick" didn't mean you could throw anything together.

2. The Cone-head: Lawwwwwd, I remember when there weren't any closers. Anyone who wears weave knows what a closer is. LOL It's the piece of hair, shaped in a circular pattern, mean't to close in hairstyles that require it. (So that the track is not visible). With this being said, WHY are folks still walking around looking like a conehead by the crown of their head?? Everytime I see this I want to BOP a chick on top of the head. Throw some PINS on that ISH! LOL Head looking like a pyramid. LOL

3. Recycled tracks: If you don't return those tracks you borrowed from your homegirl, who wore them for three weeks straight. The only tracks meant to be re-used are those that cost a pretty penny. Those that are of a natural and pure state. Example: Indian Remi (pURE) etc... Why are you still recycling the tracks that sit on the floor of the beauty supply store, in a cardboard box?? Didn't the label tell you specifically: These tracks are cheap ass hell. Do not share. ???? There you go all in MY way at the bar, with a couple tracks at the top of your head that will not lay down. Meanwhile, I'm behind you forced to perform sign language to the bartender, cause neither of us can see each other. Womp womp. Stop recycling tracks, then maybe those suckas will lay down.

4. Not enough tracks, too much head.- Tig Ole Head havin hookas lol. I know you wanted pure Remi hair, and yes, I know it costs about 150 a pack, but if you didnt have enough to buy two packs, then WHY in the **** did you try to stretch out one as if no one could tell the difference. Who puts tracks in their head to APPEAR to be thinning out? I can literally COUNT how many tracks are in females heads that do this. Hang it up. Try again. Next time try; TWO PACK HAIR FOR U. lol

5. Grease Head: You ever seen a female who had tracks in then looked like she oiled them joints down with baby oil?? You can't really miss her, cause she's the chick with the one inch side burns also GEL-ED down the side of her face. LOL! I'm not wearing a weave that has the potential to clog my pores. NAWL. Y'all ever heard of hair serum? You don't have to apply much, plus it wont make you look like an extra of Nelly's "Hot N Here" video. LOL! Gotta love the grease heads.

6. Baldy Mcsmaldies- Hair might be the length of this keyboard key, but she bought hair that goes down to her butt. Hair might not cover the track entirely, but she's cute though. By the end of the night, a couple strands are sticking up like spikes, but she cute though. STOP IT. Please find you a weavIST that knows what styles you can and can't wear, according to your hair length crisis. Maybe its just not time to jump into a 21 inch weave. Maybe you need to start at 4 inches, then WORK your way up. I don't know, but fix it!!

7. WIGS: If you gone wear a weave make sure its turned correctly. I saw a woman the other night with her wig turned completely in the wrong direction. The part was down the back of her head. LOL I was sure by the end of the day, she had turned and jerked that joint so many times, that she had forgotten which way it actually was supposed to sit. Also, make sure that its IN PLACE. Folks can get roudy in the establishments some of y'all like to visit, and I'd hate to see the raise of one's elbow and a bump to your head, be the exposure of a lifetime. Some notty *** cornrows underneath, or a stocking cap. LOL Get it right!!

8. Ponytails: If you can not wear a ponytail of your OWN, without your edges suffering from negligence, then HANG UP THE HOMEMADE PONYTAILS. lol I love seeing this, and laughing to myself cause I could only imagine what the woman said while she fixed it in the mirror. "This is going to have to work" then BAAM! There sits a ponytail, at the crown of her head, and all of her edges singing "WE WON'T GO!" LOL If gel cant hold them joints UP, then let the ponytails go. LOL

9. Roots: DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT. Attempt to insert the hair of another human being on your hair, if your roots have more kinks in it than a swinger's party. LETS TRY A RELAXER FIRST, blow out and chis, or whatever that may apply. Then come again. Its not fair to those tracks to be sittin up high, when they should be laying down peacefully.

and last but not least

10. Braids with NO pattern: Call me biased, but I only deal with a few nationalities when it comes to MY braids. Ya dig? I'on have time to inspect hundreds of braids, to make sure they all sing together in harmony. One of my pet peeves is seeing folks with "so called braids" but the braids look like my six year old did them. I would not EVER sit down for hours to get up with more problems. HOT MESS. End of story.

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XOXO

Chakara